Bring it on!

 I wanted to start a record of our lives dealing with autism. Mostly, I think I need to vent, but I also want family and friends to know what we are going through. A lot of suffering in life is done in private, but I know a lot of our struggles are seen, even if they are misunderstood. I want to help the people in Scout's life understand more what he is going through, what he is fighting to overcome every day, and what he needs from everyone in his life to fight the best fight he can.
 After hearing the official diagnosis of autism a couple of months ago, I was in more shock than I thought I would be. We had been pretty sure for a while that this was what made our little guy so different, but hearing it from the psychologist was still quite a blow, like the air being knocked out of you. What did that mean for him? What did that mean for his future? Would he ever have a "normal" life? The questions didn't stop there. Most often, I have found myself asking the ever-popular "Why?" It breaks my heart to see him suffering, to know that there is so much inside that he can't communicate to us. He can't tell me when he's sad, what makes him so angry, that he loves me. I long for the connection between most moms and their kids. I want so badly to be able to fix him, to take away all his struggles. Every mom wishes for this. 
 I have been asking the question "Why?" for much of Toli's life. When I watched him seize for an hour and a half when he was only 10 months old. Crying at the swollen and bruised head of my little boy after brain surgery. Watching him seize many times a day. Trying to help him when he is so angry but can't say why, when he is just so frustrated at his limitations. This question has been on my mind a lot, and I have been angry. I have been angry at God for allowing, or causing, my innocent boy to suffer. What did Scout ever do to deserve such punishment? Why would God allow a child to hurt so? I have been so angry with God that I even told Him I wasn't going to talk to Him anymore. It seemed my endless prayers to ease Scout's pain were in vain anyway. I screamed at God in my head, blamed him for everything that Scout was going through. I didn't expect lightning to strike me down for the anger I hurled at God, because I had started to think he didn't care at all, didn't hear me at all. 
 A couple of weeks ago, I was in the mountains on a beautiful day. I looked up at the blue sky, looked at the sun shining on the trees and making the snow look like a million crystals. The thought came to me, "Thank you God for this beauty." I immediately censored myself and said, "No, I'm mad at you! You let my baby suffer!" Then, as cliche as it sounds, it seemed as if the heavens opened. I saw a scene: The Pre-existence. God was telling us about Earth, the reason for going, what would happen there. We were all so eager to go. We knew the reward was greater than the pain we would suffer there. Then I saw this spirit-  a beautiful young man, shining blue eyes, a smile that rivaled the Sun. He stepped up and said, "God, give me the hard stuff. I can do it!" My Toli, so strong, so sure of his strength and ready for a challenge, told God, "Bring it on!" I understood that Scout had chosen to come here and had chosen the challenges that this life would bring. We have been told that since we were children, but it became a truth for me in that moment. He chose. He isn't being punished or neglected by God. None of us are. We chose. Knowing Scout's personality, he was so excited for the challenge of this life. I know that in that moment, when he chose, I stepped up by his side and said, "I've got your back." I told him I would help him through it, try to guide him, but most importantly, love him with all of my soul. 
 We gave Scout his middle name, Anatoli, after a famous mountaineer. He has in him the necessary endurance to climb this mountain called life. He was so excited to start his journey, having no doubt he would reach the summit. I promised him I would help him up the mountain, by helping him carry his burdens. I need to be stronger to do that. I am trying every day to be stronger, to be more patient, to see him for the strong spirit he is. We may have forgotten the day we chose to come here, and why we were so willing, with so much anticipation, to come and take what life has to give. But as I saw that scene so clearly of Scout saying "Give me the hard stuff," I knew that he still has all of that resolve in him now. He still has all the ambition, fortitude, confidence, and ability that he had when he made the choice. I must still have all that I had when I promised him I would be by his side. I hope I can remember that. I hope I have the ability to find those things in me when I need them. 
 I know it isn't God's fault. I can't blame him for a choice that Scout made. Now, when I look into those magnificent blue eyes, I no longer feel pity. 
                           I am in awe...