Back in the saddle

  I've been thinking lately that some of the things I do may make people think, "She's a crazy lady." And yes, a little, but that's not the point. I took Scout to the bank yesterday, where he loves to go in and say hi to Aunt Sari, and try to take as many suckers as possible from her cup. When we first walked in and someone said hi to him, he growled and gave his scariest glare. I didn't think that was a bad sign, because that is often the way he greets people. We stood in line until Sari was available, and he prepared to abscond with her entire cup of suckers. He filled his hands with about twenty suckers, and screamed and kicked as I tried to take some back, telling him we needed to leave some for the other kids. During the wrestling match, he threw all the suckers across the floor, throwing himself to the floor in the process. I took him out, kicking and screaming, and we went home, where it took an hour to calm him down (Well, it was really more him running out of steam, as he passed out on the living room floor). Later in the day, after he had a great nap, I thought we'd try again, as I still needed to get some money (this is where the crazy lady part comes in). I talked to him on the way about how he could only have one sucker and prepared him for that eventuality. We got up to the counter where the teller handed Scout one sucker, spilling a few in the process. Normally, Scout would have grabbed all of the spilled suckers, laughing his evil laugh or saying, "Ha, ha, ha!" But he picked one up and handed it back to the teller. He didn't throw a fit. He didn't try to attack anyone. He happily took one sucker! As tears came to my eyes (crazy lady again), I felt like I had won a huge battle. 
  I thought the tellers were probably wondering why I had brought him back after the explosion we had earlier. I realized that I'm the "get back on the horse" kind of person. Why? Why get back onto a horse that continues to buck you off? Why get back onto a horse that occasionally, or not so occasionally, pulls your hair or bites you? Why keep trying for that elusive amazing ride when the horse seems determined that you will not win? Partly, it's the previously mentioned Viking blood, that is 99.9% stubbornness and determination. But mostly, because I believe I will win, even if it's eventually and with many battle wounds. I have to keep believing, don't I? That's one of the biggest parts of my job being a mother to my Toli. 
  After what happened at Wendy's in Jackson, most people must think I'm crazy for ever trying to go to a restaurant again. We went to Arctic Circle recently, where Scout was running around the play area, making a lot of noise, having a blast. I looked over to the other families whose kids were playing too, and started getting nervous. I took out some cards I have printed up from an autism website that explain things and gave them to the families. They read them, laughed, and said, "Our kids are having a great time playing with him!" I had to turn around so they didn't see the tears (yes, I'm a "big fat baby", as Scout loves to say). That is why I keep trying, keep saddling up. There are good people, understanding and compassionate people. There are times when Scout succeeds and controls himself. There are times we get the ride of our lives!
  I have to hop back on, gritted teeth, cowgirl gear on (for protection), reins in hand. Sometimes I have to spur that horse to get him to go which way I want. Most of the time, I have to hold on for dear life! He will buck, and grunt, and paw at the dirt, and snort. But sometimes, on the full moon, or when the stars are aligned just right (who knows, I'm trying to figure this out), he will nudge me softly with his nose and let me pet him behind the ears. As Scout sat by me the other day and put his hand on my hand, I knew it was worth it. I knew I would continue to pull out the saddle and get ready to ride. I will continue to look like a crazy lady as I attempt to teach this stubborn horse (I'm sure the Viking blood is as strong in him) how to get along with a society that doesn't see things the same way he does. 
  So if you see me around, dusty from a day's worth of being bucked off, with maybe some tear-streaks in the dust on my face, and you wonder why I keep trying after so many mishaps, know that, even though I am a little crazy, I will keep trying for my Toli because that is what he needs me to do. He will learn to go the way the reins are pulling him, to wear a saddle without fighting, to hold a rider without bucking. But I know sometimes, I will just have to let him run and be the wild mustang he is!
                    Hi ho Silver, away!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEJWoGUxnxQ