As Father's Day approaches, I have been thinking a lot about my Dad. I have been so blessed to have him in my life. To have the dances (with him twirling me around like a princess), him rocking me in the rocking chair, playing Neil Diamond's "Holly Holy" for me (which he told me Neil Diamond wrote for me- and I believed him), the constant praise and appreciation for all I did, the way he taught me that I was priceless and worth being loved and taken care of, and all the love and support he's given me over the years, especially now, as I struggle to be the best mom I can to a child that takes more patience than I think I have sometimes. Dad is right there, telling me how amazing I am, making me feel amazing, and giving me the strength to push on, to do better. Dad, I hope you know how thankful I am for you in my life. You saved me, you give me strength.
When we were meeting with the psychologist for Scout's autism assessment, she asked if there was anyone in the family that Scout reminded me of. I immediately thought of my Uncle Guy. I remembered him from when I was a child as a man full of energy, and sometimes anger. I remembered watching him playing baseball, getting upset over something, and taking after someone with a bat. He had his nose broken in so many fights. I laugh as I think of these things. It would always be like "There he goes again," and everyone would laugh and watch the entertainment. Then after the fight, he would be over it, and the person, or people, he fought with would be his friend again. But everyone knew, could see, that he had the biggest heart there ever was. He loved with a fierceness, and it was easy to see that his family meant everything to him. I knew walking in his house that I was welcomed and loved. He had a smile that could light up a room, and smiling blue eyes. Wherever he went, he lit it up, he brought sunshine.
My Uncle Guy, my Dad's brother, died from a brain tumor almost 20 years ago. He fought the hardest fight he could, and won, because he gave all of us the gift of his example. He showed us how to keep your dignity when the battle was being lost. He showed us how to smile through the pain, laugh in the face of death. He showed us that a family's bond will never be broken. We were all better people because he was in our lives.
Whenever my Dad comes to visit and is around Scout, after a few minutes, his eyes start to tear up, and he says, "He's just like Guy. He's a 'Little Guy'." He tells me that Scout looks just like Guy did at that age, and has the same blue eyes and smile. Guy was like my Dad's twin, even though Guy was a little younger. They did everything together, even the stupid things (a story about sheep shears and cutting each other's hair comes to mind)! They were inseparable, partners in crime and general hell-raising. They were also each other's best friend. When Guy died, a piece of my Dad's heart, a big piece, went with him. It was as if my Dad lost a big part of himself. It was heartbreaking to watch and not be able to fix.
But isn't God amazing Daddy? A piece of your best friend, your brother, was put into Scout and sent for you to fill up that empty part in your heart. Look at that smile, those eyes, that spirit. He has that energy, and yes, sometimes the anger, but he also has that heart. Another thing I see in him is the passion and stick-to-it-iveness that Guy had. Scout will work at something, for hours or days, until he gets it figured out. He has had problems in his brain, too. Two tumors were removed, and luckily, not something that would take him. But we saw the strength in his fight to heal. And the smiles and laughs through it all, as if the ones around him were suffering more than he was, and he needed to cheer them up. That is how Guy was.
Guy was so lucky to have you in his life, too. You had his back. You were his best friend. He knew he was loved and that you would do anything for him. I had a thought recently that I wish Scout had someone, a brother, a twin, like you were for Guy, to have his back, to journey through life with him, good times and bad. Then I realized- he does! He does have you in his life, and I know you will look out for him, help him (even when it's embarrassing- like the time at Arctic Circle that he was running and jumping across tables!). Our family circle is strong, both here and beyond, and looking at Scout, it's obvious that we are all connected.
I hope you see Papa, what a gift we have been given in this little boy. When you look at him and tears come to your eyes, I hope that they are tears of joy. I hope that seeing your brother in him brings you happiness, knowing that Guy is still with you, in more ways than you know. Isn't it beautiful? Isn't it divine?
This "Little Guy" loves you, in his way, which is fiercely. Thank you for seeing him for the amazing spirit he is. He is lucky to have you in his life, as we all are.
I love you Papa.
Your firstborn,
Hookemup
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